my sweetest downfall.

Fourteen months and ten days ago today I concieved the little boy sitting in my lap attempting to suck on my arm. Fourteen months and ten days ago I was careless, I thought I was in love, but in reality I was in love with the idea of love because I always felt like it slipped out of my fingers... and maybe my son would be the solution. Maybe if I kept him instead of putting him up for adoption or some of the otrher harsher suggestions, then I would really get that love I so desperately saught.

Having a baby does not make that childs father love you or want to stay with you. He can still pack up his shit one day and kiss your forehead and say so-long. More than likely he will do it at some point regaurdless of what age or circumstance, because being a parent is a full time job. Being a parent doesn't pay well. It sure as hell is dirty and exhausting, and not all people are cut out for it.

Women are left with no options. We could never just up and leave our children, those precious things that grew from a single sperm into a writhing fetus, sitting on our bladders and keeping us up at night. We brought life into that crying infant, even if every fiber in us wanted to quit we woudl never just walk away.... at least not any reasonable woman of sound mind.

I was devistated when just another fight turned into just another break up, except this one permanent because he finally stopped loving me. I wanted to lay on the floor surrounded by the piles of clothes in the bedroom I used to call ours and melt. I wanted to fade into nothingness, to die. I kept thinking I didnt deserve happiness, that my baby boy crying in the next room would be better off without the "crazy bitch" his father thinks I am.

And then I hung up the phone, walked into the living room, and picked him up. He belched loudly and his crying stopped and he looked at me with these beautiful wide blue eyes, dependant on me and loving me purely because he never knew not to. He is my sweetest downfall. I gave up so much to have him, to raise him now is a constant struggle as I learn how to survive in single-parent-ville. But there is a love there that cant be taken away. That is eternal because we are part of the same life, the same blood. He looks at me and i know I will never feel like I am completely alone again.

He gives me purpose, makes me want to be better and want to be happy. Noah, my fourteen month and ten day miracle, has saved me. In every way a teenage girl can be saved. I love him more every minute, even when he's puking on me and wont stop screaming, I couldn't imagine my world without his love and so I will never give up.