Second Chances

This is a poem I wrote while sitting in The Flying M coffee house downtown, boise. It has something to do with everything I keep locked up in my head... and I wish there was more I could do to make it vocal rather than typing it here. But this is a release, so enjoy...


There he was walking out the door
Out of my life
Out of my mind with the anger and loss I just let him go
on his way and on and on I replay
What happened and how it could have been done
Better, will I be better soon?

I'm asking that metaphysical god for some kind of answer
to the questions posed as prayers
to the thoughts I think I want to think less about today
For a solution to the pain
for a pain that goes without him and is unrelated to the past
Will it ever really end
or is every end a second chance?

When I sit here on this faded out sectional I can split it up
and think about one little thing at one little time
letting him absorb into my pores, letting him fall back out of good graces
losing him without any of that so called grace myself
he did say I was a bad ex, the worst of them all because I actually
gave a damn,
gave him my best,
gave it all up when he left
and now nothing is enough for me, wishing I could say nothing is enough
for either of us but no, he did the walking so....

No, I'm not going to admit to anything
I'll say I dont want to talk and you'll believe me and go on with that fake idea that
I'm so fucking happy, because I've been playing my part
like a good girl, like the one I used to be before he completed
me, the me that is dead and gone
clinging to the coffee mug I will throw into the dish bin in moments
leaving her just like they all do
in this second rate fogged over memory
the places mean nothing without him, and so I go to try to keep them
trying to keep him

So I stopped playing games with god
I let him win and take it all
waiting on my happy ending
waiting on the waiter to ask me if I need something else with his eyes from across
the endless expanses of a nearly closed cofee house
this is the end,
another end
but endings are second chances...

at least until we end our lives