Today: I am battling my biggest regret

There are things in this life that I have no power over. As much as I like to play back situations and tell myself I could have done this or that in a better way, thinking about the things does not change the way I executed them. I believe this is called 'regret'. Something I tell people I don't have.

Everything in my head plays from a very one sided, very baised, and extremely critical perspective. I'm over analyzing my memories and ideas and words (words I'm not even sure I really said or not, they all seem so unreal) and tearing them apart.

I guess I've accepted that having regrets is a part of life. I mean, there is always two paths to take, we are constantly making choices and suffering the consequences (or enjoying the rewards) of the choices made. I have made my choices, whether educated or spir of the moment, and I have wound up here. This is my life, I am on the road, I am here. That's all I know for sure. And every day there are choices to make, there are things you have to do and things you're able to walk away from.

The past is something you can not change. Something stuck, and yet it's what I chose to dwell upon. I don't think about tomorrow, and hardly do I plan out today, but I chew up everything that has happened in the last few years until I feel sick. Sick with worrying, sick with pain, sick with myself. And there is no remedy.

I believe that you have to allow yourself to cry, to ask 'why me', to feel the pain- that's how you heal. To me, people who chose to pretend, to play a part expected of them, are the ones setting themselves up for failure. For an explosion. Like Hamlet, I envy the players. They can form tears for a story, and yet I have no real emotion for my own life- I take no action for my own life.

And what's more tragic, I still think that going back and saying 'I'm sorry' or even 'I miss you' will change anything. Meaningless text messages that don't change the events of the past, and don't help to advance the things of presnt day. Especially when I ask for forgiveness and get nothing, no acknowledgment, nothing. Does he even care? People are so fleeting, they fall apart right before my eyes. They come in and out of life, some leaving fingerprints others just leaving...

And he walked away, so that leaves me cleaning up the mess our relationship made. Maybe that's why I dwell, why I wish so desperately I had taken my ideas in my head and turned them into words. I wish I had grown up with him, instead of after he left me (and made me realize I really was too immature for him. But that is the past, that is just one of many regrets I have to deal with.

There is a lot on my mind, a lot of things I'd like to say if I were given the chance. But saying the things in my head, the things my past is beating up my throat like word vomit, they wont change anything. He'll still pretend to text when he sees me, he'll still ignore my texts, we'll remain strangers. This is the path I embarked upon with my foolish silence and proud mistakes, so now I have to deal with the consequences.

I have to deal with losing him.