Musing: People

I find myself observing people in other cars when I drive. I think to myself about their relationships, which song they're singing so enthusiastically, or where they are going. I don't think that I'm ever going to really meet one of those random drivers I entertain myself with at red lights, and that makes me kind of sad. Maybe not sad, but thoughtful anyways.

Every person I pass by, every person I catch staring at me and look away from, I have to wonder if these people are potential "life changers". I have to wonder if that boy staring at me from across the room could be my soul mate if I only gave him the time of day, or if all the girls around me could be great friends. I have to wonder if I'm missing out by not trying to be "friends" with all of these people.

I have come to find that humans are mostly desposable. I lose friends and gain new ones each weak, and I am constantly changing myself. Some people leave marks, some people inspire the change, some don't mean anything. People are like this, important or completely meaningless. I wonder if I'm too wrapped up in my own life to notice the people around me, and if they are to absorbed in their own stuff to notice me? And if I'm missing out on random car trips with the metal head in the car to my right, how can I fix it?

I know that people make a difference on each other. My grandmother who is probably the worst gossip to ever walk the planet, has made me hyper aware of hypocracy and taught me to be careful who you put your trust in. Even the most terrible people out there hold a life lesson. The great people are few and far between. But even then, they come and go. Bringing at their end a change.

Lately I wonder if I have suffered to many of these changes brought on by the loss of people I thought were detrimental to my life. I mean, some of them hardly matter. Like I said, friends come and go. But there are people like my brother, my grandparents, my ex boyfriend... People who make a mark for better or worse, and then remain stuck in my head like a disease. Unlike the people I contemplate at stop signs or stare at in my rear-view mirror, the people I lose leave fingerprints when they walk (or drive) away.

Am I impacting anyone in that way? If so, scary! But I don't think so, and that rings a bit sad. I mean, I liked having the responsibility of another person on my shoulders, and I loved him (and all those other people who stick with me in my head, leaving fingerprints and memories) and it was great. But endings are hard, and it freaks me out to think I've got the potential to do what has been done to me to other people.

Who could be staring at me in their cars, wondering about my life. Random thoughts like "I wonder what her boyfriend's like" then ammending it when they see the bumper sticker on my car (the gay pride flag with DIVERSITY IS OUR STRENGTH written on it) "I wonder what her girlfriend is like", I wonder if they wish they could talk to me, or hear the song I am no doubt head banging to. And if they wonder about me, and I wonder about them, then we're all not doing enough to take the opportunities of meeting the people around us... right?

Like yesterday, I run out of gas on Fairview (a major street where I live), as I am mid turn into a place close to the gas station... I'm about 110 pounds all alone in my car with no gas can and about five bucks to my name. And these big, tattooed and pierced men pull up in a truck and help me... Secretly, I'm scared of them. I'm wishing they looked more... normal? (cliche stupid idea that has been engraved into my mind. Normal looking doesn't mean safe!) but they're strong and they push my car out of the way and have a gas can and help me out. Then ask me out. I say no, I don't date, eyes go right to my bumper sticker. I have to laugh at the way things play out, and how easily convinced humans are of things society tells them "mean something". But it doesn't trouble me, they can join the bandwagon of uncertainty that hangs all around my head these days. I just use it as an excuse to run away from two actually genuine guys, who stopped to help a complete stranger (who was talking like a sailor on the side of the road).

People scare me! And it's great, I think I should be freaked out of relationships with people, I think that'll make me value them when I have forged good ones. Plus, fear is natural. Fear makes me feel alive. Ha, anyways. I just think that the point of this was to encourage random acts of conversation (: people are good... deep, deep, down. I have to just remember that each encounter is a chance for new relationships. For new love, friendship, or maybe even arch enemies like in the comic books? I'm not going to pretend like I understand any of this life, I just wish that I could be passenger on the journey in other people's cars sometimes. I want to be included sometimes instead of looking on from my own isolated vehicle. Life is better lived together.